Is What You’re Doing What They Experience?

I ask a revealing questions to Founders and CEOs. Sometimes that’s met with a person’s jaw tightening. It’s subtle, but I see it. Eyes narrow ever so slightly and the tone of voice has a sharp ‘edge’ to it.

They don’t notice they’re doing this. But I do. And so do others, even if it’s subconsciously. 

Non verbals and tone of voice changes are telling. They often happen when things are tough and the pressure’s on but we need to ask “is this the best way to lead?” So, if I'm experiencing this shift in their attitude, how is their team experiencing them?

Why does noticing these micro-signals matter? Well, they create an experience in others which this person most likely has no idea is happening. And with no-one is speaking up and telling the ‘boss’ how (s)he’s being, the pattern continues with certain consequences.

The Fundamental Problem

Here's what most leaders (and the majority of people) don't realise: you simply cannot experience yourself.

You can't hear your own language patterns or tone of voice. You can't observe your nonverbal cues during communication ( what if you think you’re being assertive but your team perceive that as subtly threatening?). You experience yourself from the inside out, while everyone else experiences you through their own perception. This is such an important point so many people miss.

I found this study echos the point of both leadership blind spots and self awareness. It suggests companies with fewer blind spots outperform their competitors by 20%. In the second and third paragraphs, there's a story of an interaction which both parties has a completely different experience (make sure you read that article afterwards please!) 

Some other recent research confirms this gap is massive. While 95% of people believe they're self-aware, only 10-15% actually are.

So, how we are being and what people are experiencing can be radically different, and this is critical for effective leadership.

When Silence Becomes Expensive

I worked with David, an MD transitioning into a CEO role. The pressure was mounting. He had investors laying down their demands, pretty punchy growth targets, and a host of operational complexity.

While I was coaching David through this growth phase, I noticed subtle but impactful changes in him. His team did too. His communication style got a bit sparky, meetings were more confrontational and he was less open to questions.

But no one said anything.

Months earlier, his marketing team needed to invest in better data. They didn't have the right information for their sales process. But asking for more budget felt risky and they neglected to deal with the issue and carried on with what they thought was best

Sadly, it was a poor choice and the flawed data fed into every marketing campaign. It cascaded through their entire sales execution. Put bluntly, it was a bit of a sh!t show. By the time the source of the problem surfaced, it had cost them months of momentum and significant revenue.

The origin? Someone didn't speak up about needing help.

Why Fear Lives In Hierarchies

In any organization there are power dynamics. People calculate risk before speaking truth, often subconsciously. These patterns are often learned early in life - in school, with parents or other bosses.

Questions that percolate in people’s minds are: Will this affect my job? My relationships? My standing? 

It’s common for leaders to believe their teams can tell them anything. But that belief may miss the reality they’re in. A pattern I see if that leaders are lonely. They're surrounded by people, yet isolated from honest feedback. worryingly 61% of CEOs report that loneliness hinders their performance.

A pattern I’ve seen happen: leaders give away trust without creating feedback loops (with honesty baked in). This kind of trust is somewhat dissociated. They delegate and hope things work, rather than building systems where problems can surface early.  

This isn't the form of trust we want.

Truth, Trust, Traction

Organizations that perform well share three elements working in sequence.

First, truth. The ability to speak and hear what's actually happening, even when uncomfortable. Truth is something we can work with.

Second, trust. When truth flows consistently, people know what to expect. Trust becomes the invisible glue holding teams together. And trust builds safety.

Third, traction. With truth and trust established, insights convert into action. Problems get solved when they're small and they are mechanisms for learning and growth.

But this pattern must start at the top. Leaders need to model receiving truth before they can expect their teams to speak it.

The Truth Teller's Role

When I pointed out David's jaw tension and shifting communication style, his initial response was defensive.

That's natural. Nobody likes having their blind spots illuminated.

But because we'd established an explicit contract from the beginning, and that this was likely to come up, something shifted for David. My job is to tell him the truth for his benefit and his business's success. It’s not about judgment from me and we are facing this for his growth.

Because of my unique role, his defensiveness softened. I highlighted that if I am seeing and feeling this, his team probably are too.

This is what an external truth-teller does. Someone outside the hierarchy. Someone with no fear of consequences. Someone who can be wrong without punishment which creates space for honest exploration.

I have my own coaches and truth-tellers. They keep me honest. They help me see my patterns and yes, it’s uncomfortable for me too but it ultimately helps me grow.

Every founder I've worked with has grown from embracing this process.

What Changes First

When we have the courage and openness to hear truth, transformation can be embodied.

First comes the emotional response. It can be confronting. Your body reacts before your mind processes.

Then, as you integrate these truths, your thinking shifts. You see patterns you couldn't see before. You understand dynamics that were invisible.

Finally, your actions change. Because you feel differently and think differently, you naturally behave differently.

This is growth at a deep human level. It affects decision-making, relationships, and business outcomes.

If you want to grow as a leader and achieve meaningful success, hearing the truth is one of the most powerful processes you can embrace.

The question for you? Who in your life can tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear?