What If Fear of Failure Isn't Even Yours

When someone tells me they have a "fear of failure," they're describing a fear of something else entirely.

They're afraid of being judged. Of not being good enough. Of not measuring up to standards they've never questioned. The meaning we make about things going wrong becomes about us - we are a failure.

The funny thing is, most of those standards aren't even yours.

The Label on the Box

Statements are like labels on boxes. We do it all the time - we say things without deeper enquiry. These ‘labels’ tell you nothing until you open them up and look inside.

When we unpack the label "fear of failure," we find something unexpected. It's largely based on somebody else's idea of what failure means.

Mark discovered this the hard way.

Mark was working through growth strategy for his business when he hit an invisible wall. His "fear of failure" was going to stop him, or so he thought. When we looked inside the box, we found something curious. Mark believed that if his business failed, he failed. And if he failed, he was a failure.

The difference matters more than you might think.

When you identify with being a failure rather than something not working, you make it personal. We tracked Mark's fear back to its source. His upbringing said he couldn't fail. Voices from his parents and the culture he grew up in said failure wasn't an option. "If you fail, don't come to us."

Shame was attached to this inherited definition. Mark couldn't see these subtle underpinnings controlling his decisions.

The Midlife Amplification

Founders around 40 experience this differently.

You've worked hard, been successful, maybe faced some challenges. But deeper questioning comes to mind. The inherited voices become more visible. The fear gets amplified.

I believe this fear is coming up to be transcended.

Most thoughts and fears around failure are based on old stories, old mental maps. You're using a map from the past to navigate current territory.

Everything's changed. So should the map.

It's like wearing an outfit from your childhood. It doesn't fit, doesn't suit you, isn't relevant. Yet there you are, wearing the old outfit in your mind.

Becoming the Author

Humans ascribe meaning to everything. Research confirms that we often simply internalize the values of our parents or dominant cultures, creating an unfulfilling life when these values don't align with our authentic self. This is normal but it doesn;t have to be permanent.

The key insight: meaning isn't static.

Meaning is a moving, evolving thing. You can become the conscious author of your own meaning-making process instead of inheriting someone else's definitions.

The practical first step is recognizing that actions and being are different.

What you do and who you are are connected, yet separate phenomena. If something in your business doesn't work out, you want to look at that with a clear mind, understand what happened, learn from it. Be clear to separate your beingness, your sense of self, when things go wrong so there's no such thing as being a failure.

Think of it like a sphere with many levels and layers, but at its center, a bright light. The layers represent different aspects of your life, thoughts, and actions. The bright light illuminates it all but stays constant.

When you connect to that center, everything flows from there.

The Compressor Effect

Fear is a compressor. It squashes you, restricts you. Its intention is to keep you safe.

But in business and life, safety is often an illusion.

What you really need is skillfulness and creativity, clarity of thinking and courage. Studies show that while fear often inhibits action, it can also motivate entrepreneurial activity when you believe you have the ability to act.

The shift happens when you stop trying to overcome fear and start becoming curious about what it's signaling. Feel the emotions but disentangle from any outdated meaning.

Success becomes more playful. A game you're fully committed to, but the way you play changes. There's lightness, joy, creativity, strength and courage. The old meaning patterns of fear and worry diminish.

When founders operate from this place, they're willing to step into the unknown. They're comfortable being uncomfortable. They know they can be emotionally resilient.

They're comfortable taking strategic risks and being resourceful.

Creating New Meaning

Meaning is something you can create in the moment. It can be changed at any point.

The invitation is to be conscious about how you ascribe meaning to your successes and failures. More importantly, how you ascribe meaning to yourself as separate from those external forces.

To create a new mental map, you need to challenge the old one. See its errors. Be unafraid of the discomfort. Let go of your attachment to the old version. You become the author of your story instead of inheriting someone else's script about what failure means.

That fear you've been carrying? Check the label on the box.

It might not even be yours.